Day 37

"Run towards your fears. Embrace them. On the other side of your greatest fears lives your greatest life."



The statement above is the polar opposite of how I’ve treated my fears. I’d run from anything that I was afraid of. Or at least I did. Writing this blog was a huge fear because I would be exposing myself. It’s like having your diary posted on the bathroom wall. I was afraid that I would be opening myself up to criticism or worse laughs, talk about fear. But, in truth what I found out is that I could quite possibly have something to say. It feels good to know, that I might bring a smile, a new thought or maybe a laugh to the person reading it. I have to say, this is has been a wonderful journey. It makes me think of how many other wonderful things I’ve missed out on because of fear. How many times did I go in the other direction and miss a great experience. This has been a great lesson. This is an opportunity for me to become fearless to look ahead to “the other side” of my fear. The fear that I had about turning fifty has now turned into a wonderful life changing experience. I wonder how many other people are not staring down the monster and are missing out. Well, I am embracing the scary and standing up to my fears. I’m excited to think, that I am in the process of living my greatest life.

Day 36

My best yoga pose....LOL

“We do our best that we know how at the moment, and if it doesn't turn out, we modify it.” ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt quotes (American 32nd US President (1933-45)



What are the expectations I have for myself and am I meeting them? Sometimes I set my expectations too high. I look too far down the road and the goal become unattainable. Those are the times I give up. I quit the diet, stop knitting the ten foot scarf, hide all the equipment I brought to become a sushi chef or stop writing my memoirs. You see, I always expect I’ll be the best rather than realizing I’m doing my best. Celebrating the small hour to hour victories is all I can handle some days. This week I am learning to have compassion for myself. I’m realizing that doing my best at any moment is all I can expect. If you like me believe in the laws of cause and effect, you won’t do what you shouldn’t do. If you can do something you must do it to the best of your ability. This is the formula for being your best. I've read that being your best changes from day to day. Your best is different when you’re ill, tired, rested, happy or sad. So instead of beating myself up when my best changes, I’ll give myself a pass and be my best again in the next hour.



Day 35



If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. ~Dalai Lama




I like to think that I live my life in a very conscious way. I try my best not hurt anyone’s feelings, follow "most" of the rules, offer the larger piece of anything to the other person. I’m always concerned at how any and all of my actions affect the other person. I think you get the picture. I’ve made a career of not stepping on toes. Lately I’ve come to realize that while doing what is deemed “good girl behavior”, I’ve been not so good to myself. It’s dawned on me that treating me well would not mean that I had turned into a villain. How easy, I realize, it is to leave yourself out of your life. I’m sure there are a lot of people out there that without realizing it forget to add themselves to their “to do” lists. I know I have…and I’m the queen of lists. If ever there is a choice between doing for myself or someone else I always lose. I’ve decided to make an effort to add myself to the list. To, dare I say…do for me first or at least second. Somehow I think clocks won’t stop; the world will not stop rotating, just because I take the larger piece of pie. I think that people will start to see the change in me and probably wonder if maybe I have a new love…and they’ll be right…..me.

Day 32

You can become blind by seeing each day as a similar one. Each day is a different one; each day brings a miracle of its own. It's just a matter of paying attention to this miracle.” ~ Paulo Coelho

Today on my way into work I was thinking about how I do the exact same thing every day. I wake up at the same time, shower, and watch a little bit of the news, get on the train, walk in the same direction, etc., etc. It made me think about my daughter. When I would drive her to and from daycare, she would always want me to drive in different directions. I would turn down a different street, take the highway, and get off at different exits, just to give her something different to look at. At first it was very annoying, I really just wanted to get where I was going as quickly as possible. But then I started to do it automatically. I would get in the car and ask her what direction she wanted to go in and off we went. I was never late, the world didn’t come to an end, and I gave her an adventure. We would always see something new. She would see a funny colored house, a really cute dog, a new park; I found stores, new neighborhoods and spent some fun time with her.

Now, she’s all grown up and is still the adventurer, constantly moving in a different direction. I somehow went back to following the breadcrumbs back and forth to work. I realize I’m missing the miracles around me. Somehow, I’m letting every day slip into the next, into the next. So as I move into the next phase of my life, I’m going to take a different route, start looking up instead of down and pay attention to every day miracles.

Day 31

Ask ~ Believe ~ Receive

Three words that are intended to unlock the secret, which as most of the world now knows is the code name for the ‘law of attraction’.

For the past two years taped to my computer monitor at work, are the words Ask, Believe, Receive. I love those words. These words are full of hope, dreams and promises. It reminds me that everything I want/need is within reach…at least this is my belief. Now, sometimes I’m not so good at living this. Sometimes I’m doubtful that this works. I was reminded of this belief twice last night. “C’ and I were talking and she is also a believer in the “law of attraction”, and said that she was having some issues, and a hard time with this. I told her that I was considering writing my blog yesterday on one of our favorite quotes “Worrying is like praying for something you don’t want”. That quote is the law of attraction in full effect. Whatever you keep your focus on materializes. The law can’t decipher which are good or bad intentions it just gives us what we’re focused on. The other time I was reminded of this last night was in my nightly conversation with “E”. He was saying that he thought I was focusing on something I didn’t want, and he reminded me of my beliefs. Although I was not focusing on the negative, (at least I dont think so) these conversations made me think about the power of intention. Yesterday, I was thinking a lot about the “law of attraction” and it kept being presented to me in one way or another. It was my subconscious focus. I am using this lesson to remind myself that “what you resist persist”, and to continue to make a conscious effort to live in "light and love". This is one of the gifts I’ve given myself that I will gladly be taking with me into 50. So, do you like me feel that I should have been wearing a tie dyed t-shirt and my birkenstocks while I was writing this entry?

Day 31

"Love and Fear" 11x14, Pen and Ink, 1/08

In each moment I have a choice. Am I choosing Love or Fear?

"We get to choose between love and fear every day - every moment. That's all there is. EVERYTHING comes from one of those two things. And we get to choose. We are creatures of free will." ~ Sam Harris



How true is that? We get to choose between love and fear. It’s so easy to blame others for what’s wrong or right in our lives. It’s so easy to believe that there is so much beyond our control. Lately, I have consciously made a decision to choose love. I have decided to love all of the bumps, bruises and hugs that are given to me. I “try” not to worry what lies ahead. (Easier said than done) Every day I’m tested. Do I love or fear my impending birthday? Do I love or fear the possibility of a broken heart? Do I love or fear the fact that I could gain weight? I am now counting down the days until my birthday with the anticipation of child looking forward to Christmas. If my heart gets broken I choose to hold onto the memories of love that have made me a better person. I’ve mentioned in a previous blog that I am looking forward to showing off my curves in the “red dress”. So who cares if I gain a pound or two?


We all have the ability to reinvent ourselves as many times as we want to. The choices we have are endless. Isn’t that wonderful! I have to keep reminding myself that I have choices and then always try to choose wisely.

Day 30

Content - con•tent2   [kuhn-tent] –adjective  1. satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.

I’m trying to decide if that’s a good or bad word. Content. It’s wonderful to feel satisfied. It’s great to feel that you have all that you want. The reverse could also be true. Content. No longer wanting more. Giving up… There are times when I have been content in the good way. I have been content with a meal, a shopping trip, the feeling of clean sheets. There are times when I have also been content in the bad way. I have not wanted more and settled. This is truly a case of words having power. The word content has just put a smile and a frown on my face when thinking of its intent. So, I think I will try on a new word or a version of the other.

Discontent - dis•con•tent  [dis-kuhn-tent] –adjective 1. not content; dissatisfied; discontented 2. a restless desire or craving for something one does not have.

I think this word feels better. Discontent. I think I was in full force discontent when I started this blog. I was not satisfied and had a restless desire to find the happiness in turning 50. Discontent has made me very happy. It’s given me the strength to question, examine and look for change in things that have kept me content. I won’t lose balance and go overboard and turn discontent into ornery or obnoxious. I will use it to shine and strive for the ultimate happiness, (although this is probably not possible to attain), the journey of discontent seems so much better than the settled of content.  So, which are you?