“These are the tears ~~ The tears we shed ~~ This is the fear ~~ This is the dread ~~ These are the contents of my head” Annie Lennox
I was emailing with a friend today about regret and the feeling that you have not lived up to the expectations you had for yourself. I have a long list of things I always wanted to do, with sub categories, footnotes and pictures. I drive my daughter crazy with my lists and plans for the day. A trip to Woodbury Commons takes at least two weeks of preparation for me. First I write a list of everything I’m planning to buy. I print out a map of the outlet, then I strategically plan the most logical way to maneuver our way from store to store. We should start and end at the same point having made it to every store on the list and have a well timed lunch break. This is always the plan, but somehow we veer off the planned route and I never get half the things on my list but I always leave having had a great time, without regret and looking forward to the next trip. This should be my metaphor for how I look ahead at my life. Make plans, enjoy the journey, and be happy with whatever the outcome. I think that I like so many people think that if things don’t go exactly as planned we’ve failed or let ourselves down. Not so, I mean it’s all good, the ups the downs the entire journey. So as I look ahead I will plan to enjoy it all, the missteps, the joys, the misunderstandings, the experiences…without regret.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Days 6, 7 & 8 (There was a weekend in there ;-))
“Everything in the unconscious seeks outward manifestation, and the personality too desires to evolve out of its unconscious conditions and to experience itself as a whole.”
The word manifestation seems to be the word of the hour, day and month for me. I have two friends (we’ll call them “C & H”) and we always seem to talk about how we manifest both good and bad into our lives and how to get control of both. Recent events have reinforced my belief that the energies you put out there, will come back to you. These events have also reminded me of my “vision board”. (For anyone that is not familiar with vision boards, the idea behind this is that when you surround yourself with images of who you want to become, what you want to have, where you want to live, or where you want to vacation, your life changes to match those images and those desires) I keep my vision board in a very sacred place…the floor behind my dresser. You see when I first put it together I kept it on my dresser…it’s large about a 2’ square made of green foam core. One day my daughter asked me to hide it, she was having friends over and I guess the idea of my grade school art project displayed for the world to see would have just been too much. (How many macaroni faces and ink blots that were supposed to be dog’s, pieces of art work had I lived with on the refrigerator??? Hmmmmm??) Well, that’s how it found its home behind the dresser…I pull it out every once in a while “dust it off” and just look at it. Hmmmm...Why don’t I have the Cartier love bracelet yet or why haven’t I lounged on the teak chaise lounge looking out at the sunset, or manifested the $1, 000000 (thanks to the C for the $ bill), oh, and all the phrases evoking inner peace, harmony and just plain old good feelings….WHERE ARE THEY???? I mean I had my glue stick, magazines and good intentions all in a row and set out to make it all come true, so what happened??? (I think I might have even had a glass of wine and been listening to jazz while I was making it) I think what happened is that I missed the number one clue...it’s a “vision” board and I hadn’t given it much visual time. All of the things that I’ve manifested lately are things that have been on my mind constantly. I have subconsciously worked them into my life. This is blog I guess is my public, non dusty vision board where I am manifesting all the things that I want for my future. So please forgive me if I post random pictures of vacations, words of love, Crumbs cupcakes, and piles of money and of course the Cartier bracelet.
The word manifestation seems to be the word of the hour, day and month for me. I have two friends (we’ll call them “C & H”) and we always seem to talk about how we manifest both good and bad into our lives and how to get control of both. Recent events have reinforced my belief that the energies you put out there, will come back to you. These events have also reminded me of my “vision board”. (For anyone that is not familiar with vision boards, the idea behind this is that when you surround yourself with images of who you want to become, what you want to have, where you want to live, or where you want to vacation, your life changes to match those images and those desires) I keep my vision board in a very sacred place…the floor behind my dresser. You see when I first put it together I kept it on my dresser…it’s large about a 2’ square made of green foam core. One day my daughter asked me to hide it, she was having friends over and I guess the idea of my grade school art project displayed for the world to see would have just been too much. (How many macaroni faces and ink blots that were supposed to be dog’s, pieces of art work had I lived with on the refrigerator??? Hmmmmm??) Well, that’s how it found its home behind the dresser…I pull it out every once in a while “dust it off” and just look at it. Hmmmm...Why don’t I have the Cartier love bracelet yet or why haven’t I lounged on the teak chaise lounge looking out at the sunset, or manifested the $1, 000000 (thanks to the C for the $ bill), oh, and all the phrases evoking inner peace, harmony and just plain old good feelings….WHERE ARE THEY???? I mean I had my glue stick, magazines and good intentions all in a row and set out to make it all come true, so what happened??? (I think I might have even had a glass of wine and been listening to jazz while I was making it) I think what happened is that I missed the number one clue...it’s a “vision” board and I hadn’t given it much visual time. All of the things that I’ve manifested lately are things that have been on my mind constantly. I have subconsciously worked them into my life. This is blog I guess is my public, non dusty vision board where I am manifesting all the things that I want for my future. So please forgive me if I post random pictures of vacations, words of love, Crumbs cupcakes, and piles of money and of course the Cartier bracelet.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Day 5
I continue to make lists. Lists of places to visit, things to do, things I should do. At the top of any list I make is always “lose weight”. I’ve probably started hundreds of diets some successful some not. It’s sort of become my hobby. I can look any food and very closely guesstimate calories, fat grams, carbs, and points. It’s a talent, what can I say... I think at fifty I will be more accepting of my “curves”. One of my favorite artists is Fernando Botero. (For those of you who don’t know him, Mr. Botero is a Columbian artist that has embraced the “puffy” form.) All of the men, women and children in his work are lovely full figured creatures…Ahhhhh… They are dancing the tango, shamelessly standing naked in front of a mirror, just living life. Ok…I’m going to share a crazy thing about me. My first visit to the Time Warner center in NY, I walked into the lobby and I saw what I can only describe as a pure vision of inspiration...a 20 foot bronze statue of a naked woman by Botero. I walked swiftly towards the statue and then just stood there for a minute…she was gorgeous. Just standing there so proud, naked and rubenesque. I walked around her and felt this familiar feeling as I looked at her full thighs and derriere...she was me. She was a more unashamed more bolder me, but me. She wasn’t the me that hasn’t looked at myself head on and naked in a mirror since I was 10. There it was everything that scared me everything that I loved standing there in public. I was jealous… I want to be as proud of my curves and fluffiness as this beauty. I think I secretly want to stand naked in public and have thousands of people love and admire me. (Shhhh...don’t tell anyone). I want to dance the tango, walk a tightrope and hoola hoop in central park…sigh. Whenever I visit “my” statue I always touch her for a second, it gives me strength, I leech onto her courage and for a second I’m her and my head is held high as I oversee the shops around me. So...on my 50th birthday I am going to boldly wear a red dress that shows off a little too much cleavage and hugs my curves.... and someone better take me out dancing or at least buy me a hoola hoop and take me to central park.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Day 4
Yesterday while browsing the isles of Barnes and Noble, I visited one of my favorite sections…travel. The first book that caught my eye was “1,000 places to visit before you die”.
I quickly flipped through the pages maybe too quickly because at first glance I hadn’t been anywhere and how am I going to get to 1,000 places before I die….???? So I slowly started again and thank god I started to see places that I’ve been. Before I closed the book I think I’d reached 10 of the 1,000 places. Now I really don’t think I’m going to make it to all of these places I’m not too excited about visiting Ballybunion golf club (not even sure where that is) or The covered souks of Aleppo, but there were many beaches, museums, monuments, islands, inns, restaurants, mountains that I would love to visit.
When I was married my husband brought a book for me “Atlas of dream Places”. I remember us looking through the book and deciding which places we would visit…unfortunately we never did visit any of those dream places….
The Atlas of dream Places is still one of my favorite books on a Sunday afternoon in bed surrounded by pillows and dreaming of all the possibilities….
Hopefully during the next half of my life I will get to increase my 10 of the 1,000 place to at least 100.
I think I’ve found a new list for my marble notebook…The 100 places I will visit before I die!
I quickly flipped through the pages maybe too quickly because at first glance I hadn’t been anywhere and how am I going to get to 1,000 places before I die….???? So I slowly started again and thank god I started to see places that I’ve been. Before I closed the book I think I’d reached 10 of the 1,000 places. Now I really don’t think I’m going to make it to all of these places I’m not too excited about visiting Ballybunion golf club (not even sure where that is) or The covered souks of Aleppo, but there were many beaches, museums, monuments, islands, inns, restaurants, mountains that I would love to visit.
When I was married my husband brought a book for me “Atlas of dream Places”. I remember us looking through the book and deciding which places we would visit…unfortunately we never did visit any of those dream places….
The Atlas of dream Places is still one of my favorite books on a Sunday afternoon in bed surrounded by pillows and dreaming of all the possibilities….
Hopefully during the next half of my life I will get to increase my 10 of the 1,000 place to at least 100.
I think I’ve found a new list for my marble notebook…The 100 places I will visit before I die!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Day 3
"We must participate relentlessly in the manifestation of our own blessings!" I read this somewhere and I think this what I am trying to do here. I am trying to manifest my blessings. I am creating joy where I thought I might not find it. I was thinking last night about the people that I have collected in my 49 year journey, not relatives but people that I've met along the way that have had an impact be it for a day or many years. What I've learned from them, how many have stood the test of time and how many really know me. I mean the “me” that would write this blog or be afraid that I haven’t really made any big accomplishments in my life. I think that most people would be lucky to have just one person that REALLY knows them. I'm lucky to have a person like this in my life....
We have cried, laughed until we cried, listened as we each made it through heart breaks, lost jobs, shared the joys of new loves and the disappointments of old one, window shopped, dreamed, grew, learned, taught, shared and have spent countless hours in starbucks sharing all of the above. This is the friendship along with others that I will call on to help me through to the end of the year.
We have cried, laughed until we cried, listened as we each made it through heart breaks, lost jobs, shared the joys of new loves and the disappointments of old one, window shopped, dreamed, grew, learned, taught, shared and have spent countless hours in starbucks sharing all of the above. This is the friendship along with others that I will call on to help me through to the end of the year.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Day 2
132 days to go....
Last evening as I was in the safe secure cocoon of my bed letting the room fill with darkness and only the glow of my laptop to light my way...I happened to look down at my hands which I guess I never do (thanks to touch typing) and in the blue glow of my screen I saw what could only be described as OLD HANDS. Who's hands were these these wrinkled, veined and very scary hands at the end of my wrists??? I quickly turned on my light only to see that my hands had returned to their original state. Again I turned off the light and looked at my hands in the glow of the laptop and there they were again.... I then remembered a similarly scary experience. I'd gone for a facial and as part of the package a ultra violet type picture was taken of your face to show where the sun damage was and sort of give you a peek into the future. That was insane! I didn't want to know what my future held as far as age spots and wrinkles. So I guess last night was a peek into the future of my hands and it doesn't look good. So somewhere in my slumber last night I imagined that in 132 days the deterioration would start.
Today I’m remembering that growing up I had the hottest grandmother around. In her fifties she completely reinvented herself. She joined a local theater and became an actress, wrote articles for a local paper, did voice overs, wore hot pants and just did everything that made her happy. She ran head on into her fifty’s and didn’t take a break well into her seventies.
My grandmother passed away last year and I can only imagine her disappointment in my very silly behavior.
So how do I turn these thoughts around? I mean I'm using all of the potions and lotions available to ward off the evil effects of inevitable aging?
Well I have 132 days to figure it out....
Last evening as I was in the safe secure cocoon of my bed letting the room fill with darkness and only the glow of my laptop to light my way...I happened to look down at my hands which I guess I never do (thanks to touch typing) and in the blue glow of my screen I saw what could only be described as OLD HANDS. Who's hands were these these wrinkled, veined and very scary hands at the end of my wrists??? I quickly turned on my light only to see that my hands had returned to their original state. Again I turned off the light and looked at my hands in the glow of the laptop and there they were again.... I then remembered a similarly scary experience. I'd gone for a facial and as part of the package a ultra violet type picture was taken of your face to show where the sun damage was and sort of give you a peek into the future. That was insane! I didn't want to know what my future held as far as age spots and wrinkles. So I guess last night was a peek into the future of my hands and it doesn't look good. So somewhere in my slumber last night I imagined that in 132 days the deterioration would start.
Today I’m remembering that growing up I had the hottest grandmother around. In her fifties she completely reinvented herself. She joined a local theater and became an actress, wrote articles for a local paper, did voice overs, wore hot pants and just did everything that made her happy. She ran head on into her fifty’s and didn’t take a break well into her seventies.
My grandmother passed away last year and I can only imagine her disappointment in my very silly behavior.
So how do I turn these thoughts around? I mean I'm using all of the potions and lotions available to ward off the evil effects of inevitable aging?
Well I have 132 days to figure it out....
Monday, August 23, 2010
How will I embrace turning fifty???? You see I have the fortune or misfortune of having a birthday that’s four days into the New Year. So I start out each year full of resolutions and dreams of becoming a better me at this new age in this New Year with twelve long months to do just that. At the beginning of this year unlike the others I could not muster up the strength to resolve to lose weight, read more, take up a hobby, become more organized or any of the hundreds of promises I’d made to myself for decades. All I could see was that I had twelve short months in which to make all the wrongs of my forties right and even if I could I would start 2012 with an AARP card. I couldn’t figure out a way to find the joy in turning fifty.
I’ve read and heard that thirties were the new twenties and forties were the new thirties but try as I might all I could remember hearing about fifty was that I would be ten years closer to sixty. So from January all my thoughts were about how I could trick myself into thinking something wonderful was about to happen, instead I was starting to feel older by the minute. I read articles that about pains that developed in your late forties and fifties and suddenly I was waking up with stiff joints, cramps in my hands, blurry vision and million other aliment that knew it was my time…the age had come. I successfully convinced myself that things would never be the same and that maybe just maybe it was time to start lying about my age.
During my thirties and forties I have to say that I have been quite unconcerned by my next birthday. When I turned thirty, also considered a milestone it passed without any tears or worry (possibly it was the distraction of a six month old baby). My fortieth birthday also slipped by without any consideration I was rediscovering myself. No longer tied to diapers, baby bottles and I was starting to date again and actually felt younger than I did in my twenties. I have spent the last seven years in a relationship that has made me ecstatic, happy, curious and sad; sometimes one at a time and other times all at once. So as I move closer to “the day” I will re-evaluate all relationships deciding if they can withstand fifty with me. So this will be my journey to fifty. I am 133 days away. I imagine I will have a lot of laughs, tears and discoveries. Hopefully someone besides me will find this entertaining :-)…..
I’ve read and heard that thirties were the new twenties and forties were the new thirties but try as I might all I could remember hearing about fifty was that I would be ten years closer to sixty. So from January all my thoughts were about how I could trick myself into thinking something wonderful was about to happen, instead I was starting to feel older by the minute. I read articles that about pains that developed in your late forties and fifties and suddenly I was waking up with stiff joints, cramps in my hands, blurry vision and million other aliment that knew it was my time…the age had come. I successfully convinced myself that things would never be the same and that maybe just maybe it was time to start lying about my age.
During my thirties and forties I have to say that I have been quite unconcerned by my next birthday. When I turned thirty, also considered a milestone it passed without any tears or worry (possibly it was the distraction of a six month old baby). My fortieth birthday also slipped by without any consideration I was rediscovering myself. No longer tied to diapers, baby bottles and I was starting to date again and actually felt younger than I did in my twenties. I have spent the last seven years in a relationship that has made me ecstatic, happy, curious and sad; sometimes one at a time and other times all at once. So as I move closer to “the day” I will re-evaluate all relationships deciding if they can withstand fifty with me. So this will be my journey to fifty. I am 133 days away. I imagine I will have a lot of laughs, tears and discoveries. Hopefully someone besides me will find this entertaining :-)…..
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